The One I Love Best

I’ve been reading a forum post by adult adoptees talking about the idea that “She loved you, so she gave you up,” and about meeting bsiblings who said “Ha, she really loved me–so she kept me.” Here’s the thing: my husband and I do plan to have and raise a child in a couple of years, and I fully expect to love that futurekid more than I love the son I placed. But it’s not because of my son–he’s perfect, charming and lovely, such a merry baby–it’s because of me. I don’t let myself love him as much as a mom would because it would just hurt too much; it would be too hard to go about my life without being his mom. For a few months after the placement, I was completely devastated, and just melted down–I started to hear voices for awhile. And then I just made a decision, consciously or unconsciously, to scale it back; now I love him like I would the child of a close friend, and that’s how I think of our relationship right now. I know that it’s not how his parents think about it, though. My husband and I have both talked about that, about how we wish it could just be that we’re friends with these excellent people who happen to have a son who looks like us. I know that that’s not the healthiest wish, and it’s probably a good thing that we’re not pretending about anything; I don’t want the kid to be confused or upset when he gets older, so a loving honesty is probably the best thing.

The kid’s mama confirmed with me that we’re meeting up Saturday; we have to get up super early for the drive, which Mr. Book is not happy about at all. I don’t know yet whether I am to bring anything–I brought dessert to our last meeting–so am delaying the planned baking of Oreos until I know. I suppose I need to think up pseudonyms for everyone–I can be Susie Book, my husband can be Mr. Book–but beyond that, I’m not sure. Let’s see. For his mama, I will use Ruth–she reminds me of the biblical Ruth, loving and patient. For his abba, Ruth’s partner, I’m thinking Nora. I’ll save an explanation for when things are slow around here. 😉 And I guess I’ll call the little lad himself Cricket. When I was a kid, I would read the children’s literary magazine by the same name when I could find it (rarely); it was something I really looked forward to and didn’t get very often, and it felt like a window into something very exciting and unfamiliar.

Getting Started

I’m a birthmother, which is pretty weird; my son is nine months old. My husband and I are supposed to visit him and his parents on Saturday, for Rosh HaShanah, but I haven’t heard back from his mom with confirmation of the plans. The kid and his parents live in a big city a few hours away from our big city–we’ve only driven up there to see them once so far, and they’re talking about driving down here next month some time. When I read about open adoption, prior to getting into one, I read that adoptive parents generally want more contact than the birthparents do. “Not me,” I thought–but in fact I would choose to have visits less often than they would. Not because I don’t enjoy seeing them–I do, very much–but because the visits are emotionally complicated for me. But the kid’s doing great, and his parents are over the moon for him, and that’s perfect.

The kid’s birthday is in December, and I just found the perfect present; lovely wooden Hebrew blocks. His family is Jewish (I’m not), and they’re pretty into the “My first dreidel”/”Baby’s Book of Jewish Things” kind of stuff, so I’m confident that they’ll like this. It’s funny; when I talked with his mom about gifts, many months ago, she specifically requested no Christian stuff–giving Christian stuff to people is just so not my style. My futurekid will have St. Francis coloring books etc., but I wouldn’t dream of trying to convert other people or their children.

In the meantime, I spent some of my pocket money on baby stuff this week. This is a chronic problem for me–I’m hoping to have a kid in a couple of years, and I can’t stop myself from slowly nesting. That way, when I have the baby, I will be so obviously prepared that the idea of losing him won’t come up. =/