I just got a birthday gift in the mail from my sister and her husband (I usually just call him my brother, but that could make this sentence sound kind of . . . icky)–a madeleine pan and a tart pan. Woohoo! She then apparently reminded my other sister of the date, she asked what I want . . . lots of wonderful baking stuff coming my way! I am a total slut for kitchen stuff; it delights me that I have juice glasses which I use for juice and nothing else. And yet (I realize this might sound weird) I hope that Ruth and Nora don’t remember that my birthday is this week. I know they have it on countless bits of paperwork, and in fact I gave Ruth a (very small) birthday gift a couple of months ago, but I desperately want them not to know about my birthday. Not sure why. But, for example, when they said that they wanted to come down some weekend in October, I said “We’re busy the first weekend, but otherwise you can choose your time!” I don’t want to see them on my birthday. =/ This may be related to the fact that when Mr. Book and I have futurekid, I don’t want to see them for a few months–I dread seeing them while pregnant. This stuff is all arational, and I don’t quite know how to unpack it, but I guess I’ll think aloud for a bit.

I want to say right off the bat that I am 100% confident that Ruth and Nora wouldn’t be harboring hopes that things wouldn’t work out, and that I’d need to place futurekid with them. That is just the creepiest thing, and I read women saying things in forums along those lines that horrify me. I think part of it is wanting futurekid’s birth in some ways to be as different from Cricket’s as possible; not in a lot of obvious ways, though–I still want natural childbirth, and a midwife, and waterbirth. But I wouldn’t go back to the same midwife even if I could, even though she was a total sweetheart and fantastic at her job. A couple of days after the birth, I went back to her for a checkup, and it was in the same room where I’d had Cricket. She asked whether the room seemed different, and I nodded, and she said “A lot of women talk about how the room is totally transformed, and it’s such a powerful, emotional experience to be here.” And I thought, “Yes, but I lost my baby.” Didn’t seem to cross her mind. I started to have a panic attack.

I suspect that I’ll be fiercely protective of futurekid; I’m already inclined to try to defend my loved ones whether they need it or not. But I imagine that next time people will be sort of wondering whether I’m going to keep this one, and it makes me want to just go hide out in a cave for a year or two with plenty of vitamins and high-protein snacks.

Ha, I just got an email from Ruth which mentions the nearness of my birthday. I mean, I think there’s a lesson here, about the considerateness of people, and that I don’t have to count on Ruth and Nora being ignorant to prevent them from doing some thing that horrifies me. They’re good and thoughtful people, they’re not going to mention that they’re around in case I change my mind when I get pregnant. But that doesn’t change my feelings about wanting to hide the pregnancy and the baby when it’s futurekid time.

I had a dream early this year in which I was hugely pregnant and talking to Cricket about it–he was maybe two, and Ruth was listening in the next room, which dream me didn’t know about. It was a really sweet and peaceful moment, and it’s something that I should probably try to hold on to when I’m anticipating acting like a feral cat during futurekid’s gestation.