…but Mr. Book has told me that I seem pretty angry at Ruth and Nora right now. I hadn’t realized it until he said something, but he’s right; they haven’t done anything, but I am angry. I have a lot of little reasons, most of them in the past, and it’s like I’ve saved them up to get pissed about. What an unpleasant person I can be.
Several of these things are leftover from when we were still planning and executing the adoption itself; I didn’t feel as though I could safely be mad about anything then, so I smooshed some stuff down that’s coming up again now. I guess the Juno disagreement has provided the occasion–for the record, I declined to tell Ruth the ways in which and reasons why I disagree with her, instead making a neutral observation about something I think we can agree on in the film. Hooray. But just for my own reference, and to get it out, I will make a list of the (petty, unfair) things I’m made about: Ruth and Nora changed his name, and tried to pressure me into giving him whatever name they chose (to be fair, when I made it clear that that wasn’t going to happen, they backed off quickly); I feel like they think their Judaism is much more important than my Catholicism (this one is a bit murky, but I do get upset about it sometimes); #$&%ing Juno; I feel like they gave a small relinquishment gift that was all about them and had nothing to do with us (I know how petty that sounds, but hey, you were warned); I’ve asked Ruth a couple of practical questions about the visit that have gone unanswered for about a month now, and suspect that they won’t ever get answered (I will have to wing it, which I hate); honestly, I think I’m a little bit mad at them for noticing me in some kind of long-term way. That one probably needs a bit of unpacking. It bothers me that they remembered my birthday–it bothers me that they have and are able to accurately express a sense of what I’m like. I think it’s that the combination of things; they know me, but I can’t really be myself around them. I do sometimes get hostile and frustrated when I have to keep things from people, which I realize is a bit nuts, but there you go. I’m angry at them because I want to be able to pretend that we’re just friends, and that they’re just our friends with a kid–that when we visit, we are a couple, visiting another couple, and they have a baby—he takes up a lot of attention, but that’s okay—we like kids, and hope for one of our own in a couple of years. For some reason, their kid kind of looks like me. I don’t want to have to be the birthmother all the time, and that’s just too bad. I could have been friends with them, but instead I’m “their” birthmother. Before the relinquishment, there was a time when I explained (not to them) that if giving up a baby was the price of being their friend, maybe that was just a price I had to pay. I honestly couldn’t see how f—ed up that is.
So what do I do with these feelings? Well, for a start, I keep them well away from Ruth and Nora–I wrote Ruth a perfectly friendly email yesterday, thanking her for thinking of me on the birthday etc. My anger=my problem. I’ve also got therapy on Thursday, but probably can’t bring this up there–the other birthmoms all have real problems, not like me. But I will bring cookies, so hopefully I won’t feel so guilty about trying to say something. But I think I need a better solution for this anger. I’m working on it.