Unproductive

Thursday night (/Friday morning) I turned in my last freelance assignment; Friday I spent most of the day lying on the floor. I wasn’t injured, or sleeping…just lying on the floor.

I like to forget that my depression is one of the reasons we did the adoption because it isn’t fixed yet, might not ever really get fixed, and I still want to have a kid of my own. Mr. Book says that my depression was his #1 reason for adoption. I forget every summer how bad it gets in the fall–this summer I was depressed but okay, and thought “This is so doable. What was I worried about?” And now that I don’t have anything driving me forward…I remember. Of course, thinking about a kid, I’m still confident that it would be doable for a couple of reasons. One is that last fall I had no problems with depression–maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the being needed, but I did fine as long as I was pregnant and had the baby with me. The other is that even now, when I’m really not okay, I take care of my cat. I not only meet the basic needs like food, I am affectionate and interact with him. I think I’d be able to do that for futurekid….

Earlier this year, I watched a woman in an online community I belong to go through PPD–she is mostly through it now, but I hate watching and wondering whether that’s going to happen to me.

I made myself run an errand today. Now I’m back to lying around, wanting to just give up and go to sleep–but I did make myself do something. Tomorrow hopefully I will start pre-visit deep housecleaning. Please wish me luck.