Just for Kicks

I’m going to list this week’s pathetic adoption-related grief moments:

  • While listening to “Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio,” imagined myself explaining to a preschool-aged Cricket that there’s another version sung by Boston fans which includes the lyrics “Who’s better than his brother Joe? Dominic DiMaggio!” And then I started to cry. No little baseball fan for me.
  • Started an email to Ruth three times, on three different days, before giving up and deciding to wait to hear from her.
  • Have been feeling the urge to go through the hope chest again, refold all the clothes and stare at the tiny shoes. Still resisting.
  • Wrote Cricket a letter complete with airplane stickers in which I tried to convey love in a laidback kind of way but instead came across super lame. Can’t bring myself to mail it.
  • Obsessed about how to inscribe one of the books we’re giving Cricket for Christmas (Mr. Book will write in the other one).
  • As part of the nesting that never ends, used my monthly allowance to buy three children’s books and one book about children.
  • Thought again about calling Ruth and Nora, which I am permitted to do but have not done even once; sometimes I like the idea, but I worry about being unwelcome or inadvertently disruptive.
  • Picked up the cat and carried him around against my shoulder like a baby, with my eyes closed, rocking back and forth a bit.

I could make a list like this every week—not big things, but there are always a few, and they make me feel pretty weird.

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2 thoughts on “Just for Kicks

  1. These are very sad, and reading them is heavy for me as an adoptive mom. If I thought my son’s first mom was mourning his loss this way (and I don’t know that she isn’t) how could I, as a mother (by birth as well as by adoption), as a woman, keep him from her?

    I don’t think I could, if I knew.

    • For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t take my son from his mother–I don’t think that my grief is unusual in a birthmother, but it doesn’t make my son’s adoptive mom a bad person for mothering him. It’s just the way adoption works.

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