Good Gravy

Well, I haven’t been to bed yet, so this entry is going to be a short one. From the comments I’ve gotten and the blogs I’ve read, it sounds like the kids who really feel the adoption loss while they’re still smallish are transracial adoptees; does that sound like a reasonable statement? I’d like it if it was true, as it means I’ve got many years yet before I have to read Primal Wound. Since I am mercurial and unfair, this also makes me a bit sad—it means that I am unlikely to be “the other mama,” since he’ll have no obvious reason to feel connected to me until and unless he decides that the relationship is important as a teenager.

Work is pretty intense for me at the moment, ergo the not sleeping, but I’m working on a longish and interesting (at least to me) entry for tomorrow; just can’t get it into shape before I crash today. But I leave you with a quote from Amy Tan’s Joy Luck Club that sounds vaguely adoption-y: “How can she be her own person? When did I give her up?”

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4 thoughts on “Good Gravy

  1. I think the transracial factor makes the adoption more visible and obvious, which can lead to more adoption processing at earlier ages. But my sense is it also depends a lot on the kid and who he/she is. At the age my daughter is now, my son was already verbalizing a sense of connection to his first parents and beginning to touch on his feelings about his adoption. Firefly, on the other hand, has a laser focus on the family she lives with, to the exclusion of pretty much everyone else (which is hard for her first mom right now). And she’s the transracial adoptee. Like everything else in adoption, I think there are a lot of factors all tangled up together and it’s hard to predict what will be true for any individual child.

  2. I agree with Heather that there’s a lot of variation and it’s more that transracial adoptions make certain conversations unavoidable that brings those to the forefront. My partner was adopted within her own family at 18 months of age and her “primal wound” stuff is what I characterize as attachment problems (though I should probably read the book myself) and her understanding of that is still changing as an adult, especially now as she’s reevaluating some of the things she’d believed about her first mom’s reasons for placement that appear not to be accurate.

    I don’t think there’s some checklist of books you need to read to be a good first mom to Cricket either, though. I’m inclined to think you can get more value out of blogs anyway, but that probably depends on what kind of information you’re looking for.

    I’m the oldest child in my family and my mother talks about asking doctor when I was a baby what to do about something that seemed to yield conflicting recommendations in different books. The doctor said, “You know, there are a lot of great parenting books, but none of them are about your child,” and I’ve thought of that comment often. Each person, each situation is unique and it can be helpful to check out resonances with others, but we’re all basically finding our own ways.

  3. I am probably too tired to responsibly respond, but here I go. 😉 Heather, thanks so much for chiming in–I realize I was assuming that Puppy would have had no visible adoption processing and Firefly would be grappling early with adoption issues. My bias is slowing me down. I know that what I really need to do is wait and see what Cricket does, but I’m a terrible waiter.

    But Thorn, I neeeed a list! I sought out adoption books while pregnant (with not a lot of success)–and pregnancy books, I read tons of those–I read books about college during my senior year of high school, and I read half a dozen marriage books last year. You’ve exposed my fatal weakness; I crave information, preferably in book form. But you’re right, blogs are probably the best source for the information I need.

    I don’t think two hours of sleep are enough; I’m still dizzy and goofy. Oof. I’ll be back in the morning.

    • Oh, I’m reading and reading and reading books to prepare myself for what I might/will encounter, but that’s why I’m saying that I think blogs do a better job on the whole in a lot of ways. But does that stop me from reading books? Ha!

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