I got to make dinner for my family last night, the last night home—made spaghetti with kalamata marinara, roasted baby broccoli with parmesan on top of it, and some feta garlic bread. Nom nom nom. I did most of the cooking when I lived with my parents, and it’s nice to know that I’m missed.

My mother and I went out for coffee before dinner—I think she would like to make this a tradition. She asked me how things are going, and we ended up talking about the adoption quite a bit; she concluded that I need to have a baby. I don’t know, maybe she has a point. I’m feeling frustrated these days, and it doesn’t feel like my ideas about how to conduct this end of the adoption are working out or are what Ruth and Nora want. Don’t worry, I’m sticking to the prearranged child production schedule…but both Mr. Book and I have said to each other that we feel ready to have a baby. September can’t come too soon. Someone said to me recently that I will never have the relationship with Ruth that I really want, and that rang true, and now I’m not sure what to do. Remain available, be gracious, try to focus on other things.

This is a lame entry. Something better is bound to come along soon.

6 thoughts on “Soon

  1. This is perhaps a hopelessly long-term view, but your relationship with Ruth is perhaps not as important as your relationship with Cricket will or can be. I’m sure that’s not the kind of thing you can focus on helpfully now, but I do think it’s true.

  2. I don’t think having a baby will make things easier — I think it will make things more complicated. I hope that when you WANT to have a baby, that you will have one but not to fix this because, well, it is unfixable. I think your blog title is a good one because loss is something to be endured, to survive, to cope with. That sounds so negative but really what else can we do? We can’t un-lose our losses. I feel frustrated that people are wanting you to do things to assuage THEIR loss because they have to endure that themselves. It’s not your responsibility to fix things for them.

    Also? Not a lame entry. It’s nice to hear from you.

  3. Eeeps. I am with Dawn. I am really feeling icky about anyone pressuring you to have a baby. It sounds like they are suggesting this second baby is a “replacement” for the first and that is no reason (IMO) to have a child. Each individual child should be wanted for who he or she is, not who he or she replaced.

    And yet as I say that I worry that all this stressing over it will cause secondary infertility. Too many moms I know struggle with conception after surrending a child to adoption.

    I guess, in my wierd winded way, I am agreeing with Dawn and feeling deeply for you. It took me 12 years to have another child after surrendering my first and when I did it was with much anguish and alot of therapy before I was certain I was having him for him not having him to replace her.


  4. Yeah, I know that a baby is a source of new stress rather than a solution; my mom’s agenda has been pretty transparent. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Easing back onto antidepressants is making me pretty sick. I too worry about secondary infertility, but since we’re not going to start trying until September, I’m hoping that we will be in a less stressful place emotionally by then. Thanks, everybody.

    • I should mention that this is the time of the month when I worry that I’m pregnant (every month)–so a bit of this entry was, “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be all bad if….” I worry less than I did before I was on the pill, but my sister got pregnant on the pill, so I remain a bit paranoid.

  5. I think you’d be a great parent, Susie. But jsut like every other woman in the world, you have the right to make your own reproductive choices (haha is there a way for that to sound less technical??). If a baby is what you want, what you and your husband desire, go for it! Any child would be lucky to have you as parents. We all know that no child can replace another. If you’re sure it’s something you want, then do it. But do it for YOU, do it for Mr. Book- let it enrich your lives- and to heck with what others think!

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so much pain lately. I really feel for you, and I hope you find the peace and solace you deserve SOON! Grab a good book, some nice slippers, and take a rest my dear. You deserve it!!

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