Open Adoption Roundtable #12

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices–how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

1. I will find a new model for our relationship with Ruth and Nora: not marriage, not friendship, but something else. I will take into account their wishes and my experiences, and rely less on my hopes.

2. I will, with the aid of Mr. Book, figure out how we want to handle the pregnancy we hope for later this year and the baby who will follow in the context of the open adoption. What will our boundaries be? What are our hopes for the relationship between futurekid and Cricket? What are our obligations to Ruth and Nora?

3. I will make very sure that I am not looking at futurekid as a replacement for my lost son—the one who isn’t Cricket, but who Cricket would have been. That potential child is gone forever; I need to be very clear about that before I name another baby.

4. I will be supportive of other people in adoption relationships on whatever side; the adoption blogger community has been very kind to me, and I want to give back.

5. I will make our home ready for a baby; I don’t just mean washing onesies. I will be sure that Mr. Book and I are as prepared as anyone can be—he’s going to need to read some baby books, I am going to need to pray, and we’ll do a lot of talking together. At the same time, I will not let myself obsess until I am actually pregnant: no crying when I see pregnant women or babies, no setting up a nursery, no imaging the hoped-for child. I will be present in my life.

6. I will be for Cricket what he wants, or what I think he wants: available, warm, and unobtrusive.

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7 thoughts on “Open Adoption Roundtable #12

  1. Oh, your number 3 hit me in just the right place today. Thank you. So much of the drama and pain in adoption (or at least adoption blogs) is about the weight that ghosts of children-who-might-have-been leave on the people whose minds they lived in, and I hadn’t really thought of it that way before.

  2. “…my lost son—the one who isn’t Cricket, but who Cricket would have been. That potential child is gone forever…”

    This statement will stick with me forever (replacing Cricket with Kidlet’s name)Thank you for putting into words something I’ve been all around recently but unable to pinpoint.

    • I actually started out writing the name I gave him in there, but decided that was unhelpful and deleted it. But I do think of that as the name of the Cricket who isn’t. I’m glad if I was helpful to you.

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