I went to my birthmother support group last night—since it’s our last meeting before Valentine’s Day, and since I’m a huge dork, I made heart-shaped brownies to bring. I only have a half heart left for Mr. Book, which seems possibly ominous. On my therapist’s recommendation, I brought my Cricket photo album and passed it around. I overheard two of the birthmoms talking—I’m pretty sure that they didn’t know I could hear them—saying “Look at Susie’s face; she’s so in love with that child.” One of them (as part of an unrelated discussion) told the group that placed kids, raised kids: “You love them exactly the same.” This is something I wonder about whenever it comes up; I tend to assume that I’ll love futurekid more than Cricket. I know that sounds awful.
We just got pictures from Ruth and Nora—they sent a photobook. It’s a couple of months late, but I never brought it up, so I’m pleased that they remembered. The pictures have captions this time (yes, I actually got the right to captions included in our OA agreement; have I mentioned that I’m a huge dork?), and reading them is fascinating and sad at the same time—it mostly serves to remind me of how much I don’t know about the kid. It’s nobody’s fault, just the nature of the adoption—but it’s kind of a bummer. A reason that I assume I’ll love a raised child more than I do my placed child is because there’s a closeness that is lacking for Cricket and me. Maybe it sounds shallow to say that I’d love a child more if I changed his diapers and knew which were his favorite toys. And maybe it isn’t true.
Heck of an adoption-free Friday, huh? Well, in other news, I’m making a tomato, onion, and butter sauce to go onto pasta in my husband’s sack lunches for the next few days—I have high hopes. My hair is getting crazy long; I don’t think it’s been this long since I’ve been an adult, and I’m not sure what to do with it. A trim is surely in order, and I’m planning one for before the next visit. I haven’t had a haircut since before Cricket was born, come to think of it. Gah, there’s the adoption again!