Red Letter Day

Yesterday was the first time I ever out-and-out lied and denied Cricket. Mr. Book and I went to renew our lease, and the woman assisting us had seen one of our keychains previously and congratulated us on the baby. We both looked spooked, she asked, Didn’t we have a baby? No, no! Who was that child, then? Uh, a family member’s child. Then I sat their feeling guilty for the rest of our interaction.

I’ve been evasive before—when I got my second ultrasound, the tech asked if I’d started buying a lot of things yet, and I told her that I hadn’t without adding, And I’ll be placing him for adoption, so he’s not even mine exactly, but I have bought one outfit and I hope I get to dress him in it before he goes away! If people ask me whether I have kids, I say no; Mr. Book says that this doesn’t count, because in the sense that they mean, we don’t. I’m glad to use his reasoning on this one. If I end up pregnant in the future, when people ask whether it’s my first, I’ll probably say yes (except to my health care provider, and I can’t tell you how much I’m not looking forward to that conversation) for the same reason. It feels like being asked how I’m doing and saying, Fine, thank you, even on a crappy day.

Since I want to close on a more positive note: Mr. Book and I haven’t totally decided whether we eventually want one or two kids. He wants only one, and was an only child; I want two, and had a pile of siblings. We were both sad kids, so no one can use an idyllic childhood as the tiebreaker, but when I imagine my life (even now! But especially when small) without my sisters and brother, it seems much less rich. We’d more or less left it at “Okay, one kid then” for a couple of years, but last night I blurted out “You know, I still think I want two kids, although obviously this is something we’d have to talk about.” He gave me a suspicious look and said

“Oh, I see how this is going to go! We have some milestones, and I get all weepy and sentimental and overwhelmed, and then you go ‘You know, we could have this again,’ and then we have another kid.”

It was incredibly sweet, and a much more positive reaction that I’d expected—now to leave him alone for another couple of years and see if he gets downright enthusiastic. 😛

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2 thoughts on “Red Letter Day

  1. I want two children, too and my guy is also less enthusiastic about more than one, but mostly because he says he can’t imagine loving another kid like he loves J. However I suspect this is completely normal – I’ve seen multiple situations with friends where one partner (often the man in hetero partnerships) is more in the moment-y (I love this kid! other kids? wha? why?) and one is more of a planner, thinking of the big family picture, and the benefit to BOTH kiddos of having a sib. ♥ fun to plan, either way!

  2. All I can say is that I never ever would have believed I’d be mama to FOUR kids. So it goes. A friend told me (she has three) that when you’re done, you know you’re done. For me this was/is absolutely the case. Somehow, the future can’t entirely be planned & that doesn’t mean it won’t come out right (terrible sentence).

    I love his reaction.

    I don’t know whether this helps at all, but the same thing has happened to me re: Saskia & adoption, when to tell, when to just let people think what they think & not worry (oh this happens all the time with having longhaired boys too, do you just let people think they’re girls?). Sometimes saying the easy thing just is the path you need at that moment & you are not obligated to share everything with people you don’t even know. Save for health care providers helping you with subsequent pregnancies.

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