No Dice

No visit on Sunday. We’re trying to schedule one for later this month, but who knows. So that’s discouraging, and I’m going to put the truck where I won’t see it, because it’s kind of depressing. Of course, I still hope that I’ll be giving it to him in a week or two, so the hope chest isn’t a good destination—shoot, maybe I’ll jam it under the bed. Mr. Book told me that he spend Monday wishing that we had a kid. I spent it feeling slightly out of it and nauseated. I feel hopeless when I think about it, which isn’t reasonable, but he’s already changed so much, and I missed it. I’m going to miss just about every important thing that happens in his childhood, and that’s just how it’s going to be, but it’s one of the things you can’t feel the emotional weight of before you’ve actually signed the papers and lost your son.

In other exciting news, I went ahead and made those tofu spring rolls just for me and my sweetie, and they turned out amazing. I can consider it practice for when they visit us in April or May; I’m thinking about a sort of vegan dim sum setup, although obvious more broadly Asian than a traditional dim sum. I can’t really give him the truck when they come, because that feels too weird for me—I think I’m using the mental excuse of the hostess gift idea to let me take a truck up to the Emerald City. It’s possible that we’ll have a visit this Sunday, or a week from Friday—or not. Ruth is willing to try to meet up, tho, which is greatly appreciated.

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6 thoughts on “No Dice

  1. I’m sorry that didn’t work out. It’s funny, but I think of your part of this as sort of like where I am. “Yay, we’re going to talk to Rowan tonight! Oh, I guess we’re not. Okay, well, at least they’ll pass the message that we care about him….” This not-parenting thing is awfully difficult. I hope you and the Mister can get the love and support you need after this disappointment and that your next visit is good AND soon!

  2. I’m not trying to be obtuse, and sorry if I’ve missed a previous explanation, but why can’t you just give him the truck? Are Ruth and Nora anti-gift in general, or do you think they just don’t want gifts coming from you specifically? People (friends, family, even distant cousins we hardly knew) give my kids gifts when we visit them or they visit us, especially when the kids were small; I would think it’s just a regular, not loaded, thing to do: visit a young child, bring a little gift.

    • Oh, I’ve talked at it around the edges–basically, I am allowed to give him something as long as “it doesn’t become too much,” and I don’t really know what that means–also, I worry that it will be a problem that we are the straight people giving him boyish gifts. I mean, he doesn’t have any vehicle toys, or any dinosaurs, or really anything that looks like a boy toy, but does have a purse, baby dolls, and a bunch of neutral stuff.

  3. Hi, I’m here through Monica’s blog. She did an interview of you for the Great Interview Experiment, and wow, you have a fascinating blog. I love the little windows we give each other into our lives. I hope you are able to see Cricket soon. My thoughts are with you.

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