Little Surprise

I wrote this entry just over a week ago, and have been sitting on it, waiting to see whether it would become obsolete. It . . . hasn’t. I have since told the Mr., and will write about how that went tomorrow.

So, ha, funny thing . . .

I seriously considered not mentioning this in the blog, especially since I’m not telling anyone in real life for months or possibly years. Two reasons: first of all, I had a chemical pregnancy last summer, tested positive on the day my period was due (I usually wake up with it, so wanted to check), then got the period a week later. This is a darker line than that one, although I feel the scan washed it out a bit (don’t worry, I cut off the bit with the pee before I put it on the scanner! 😛 ) But honestly, I’m not taking it that seriously yet–we’ll see whether it sticks. I should go ahead and mention that while this is a bit sooner than we were planning a pregnancy, this will be a pleasant surprise, if scary the way I assume it is always scary. I’ve already been taking prenatal vitamins, I may drink a little more water and take protein more seriously–but otherwise, I’m just going to assume that I’m going to bleed out in a week or a month.

I know that sounds grim and blunt, but honestly, that’s how I tend to be when I’m faced with either hoping for something or assuming that it won’t work out. If I get excited about being pregnant and then lose it, I’ll be crushed. If I assume that it’s not going to stick and then it doesn’t, I’ll still be sad, but it won’t be nearly as bad. If this isn’t going to work out, I want it to be as little like losing a child as possible.

Anyway, reason two: when I was pregnant with Cricket, it didn’t really feel like the pregnancy belonged to me. It was Ruth and Nora’s kid, and so everything that happened in the pregnancy was their business, and I was willing to be open in a way that I wouldn’t have been if I had ever thought of that child as mine. So this time around, I want there to be a period of time when I’m the only one in my life who knows. As soon as other people know, it’s not only mine anymore–it’s my parents’ grandchild and my husband’s bub and Ruth and Nora’s complication.

Of course, telling the internet alters that a bit, but when it comes right down to it, this blog is for me, a place where I can talk about what’s going on and then brood endlessly about it. This is on my mind in a bit way, and if it sticks I’ll want to talk about it, and if it doesn’t stick–I’ll want to talk about that, too. And I need to be able to tell someone the weirdest part; by my calculations, if this sticks, my due date will be within a week or two of Cricket’s second birthday.

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15 thoughts on “Little Surprise

  1. Congratulations, if that is what one says! Congratulations on being honest about this and open to whatever comes. I think your hesitancy makes sense under the circumstances. I do that kind of pre-blunting too. But best of luck to you and Mr. Book as you have a new option, maybe, and a new situation. I do think you’ll make terrific parents for a child or children you raise. I think you’re good for Cricket too.

  2. I understand that need to protect your heart right now but I’m going to congratulate you anyway. When I saw this image slowly load in my feedreader, my grin grew right along with the picture. I wish for oh so much joy for you and Mr. Book!!!!!!

  3. Congrats to you!!! I echo Heather, and will be thinking many sticky happy thoughts towards you and he in the coming weeks.

    It is normal to be hesitant. I support you feeling that way. But I’m happy FOR you. ♥

  4. I hate it when people say “I had a feeling…” – BUT, I did. I’ve been thinking about you all weekend & wondering whether you had news. 🙂

    Totally understand the keeping it to yourself bit, and the protecting your heart bit. But I’m just so, SO pleased for you & Mr. Book.

  5. This news and possibility of you and Mr. Book bringing home future kid makes me feel so happy! I’ve been moved to read about how you’ve started to fill a chest with little items and gifts for him or her. Congrats and I’ll think sticky thoughts!

  6. As you know, smiling. And it can be — as you know — a range of things. When I was pregnant with my first, a friend said, “Your pregnancy’s gone very fast for me.” I’d been SICK AS A NAUSEATED PREGNANT LADY so it had been many things, quick though, not one of them. Well gosh, it can be many things for many people. For you, I hope, unfurling joy.

  7. Sending lots of energy your way and hoping for you ad Mr. Book that this is indeed FutureKid…

    Will look forward with baited breath an update and a confirmation.

    Best and peace.

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