I wrote this entry just over a week ago, and have been sitting on it, waiting to see whether it would become obsolete. It . . . hasn’t. I have since told the Mr., and will write about how that went tomorrow.
So, ha, funny thing . . .
I seriously considered not mentioning this in the blog, especially since I’m not telling anyone in real life for months or possibly years. Two reasons: first of all, I had a chemical pregnancy last summer, tested positive on the day my period was due (I usually wake up with it, so wanted to check), then got the period a week later. This is a darker line than that one, although I feel the scan washed it out a bit (don’t worry, I cut off the bit with the pee before I put it on the scanner! 😛 ) But honestly, I’m not taking it that seriously yet–we’ll see whether it sticks. I should go ahead and mention that while this is a bit sooner than we were planning a pregnancy, this will be a pleasant surprise, if scary the way I assume it is always scary. I’ve already been taking prenatal vitamins, I may drink a little more water and take protein more seriously–but otherwise, I’m just going to assume that I’m going to bleed out in a week or a month.
I know that sounds grim and blunt, but honestly, that’s how I tend to be when I’m faced with either hoping for something or assuming that it won’t work out. If I get excited about being pregnant and then lose it, I’ll be crushed. If I assume that it’s not going to stick and then it doesn’t, I’ll still be sad, but it won’t be nearly as bad. If this isn’t going to work out, I want it to be as little like losing a child as possible.
Anyway, reason two: when I was pregnant with Cricket, it didn’t really feel like the pregnancy belonged to me. It was Ruth and Nora’s kid, and so everything that happened in the pregnancy was their business, and I was willing to be open in a way that I wouldn’t have been if I had ever thought of that child as mine. So this time around, I want there to be a period of time when I’m the only one in my life who knows. As soon as other people know, it’s not only mine anymore–it’s my parents’ grandchild and my husband’s bub and Ruth and Nora’s complication.
Of course, telling the internet alters that a bit, but when it comes right down to it, this blog is for me, a place where I can talk about what’s going on and then brood endlessly about it. This is on my mind in a bit way, and if it sticks I’ll want to talk about it, and if it doesn’t stick–I’ll want to talk about that, too. And I need to be able to tell someone the weirdest part; by my calculations, if this sticks, my due date will be within a week or two of Cricket’s second birthday.