Mothers’ Days

Just want to get it on the record: Mr. Book thinks the bean is a girl. I don’t have a feeling about it yet—last time it was around twelve weeks that I was pretty sure that I was carrying a boy. We’d be happy with a healthy whichever, but I really want to know which we’re getting. Of course, being as the bean is the size of a raspberry, it’s going to be awhile.

We now have a visit on the books for four weeks from tomorrow, and I badly want to call it off, tell them that we’re not ready to meet until, let me think, perhaps August? There are a couple of problems: they are coming on Birthmother’s Day, which is kind of a weird day for me, since it seems like a mix of “You are not a real mom and should not celebrate on the Sunday” and “Your role is important and deserves a holiday!” I’m (God willing still) going to be pregnant that weekend, and I want to be able to get a card from my husband on real Mother’s Day like a normal pregnant lady—not entertain the adoptive parents on the Quasimother’s Day before. Yes, I know that I can do both, but (hear this in my best childlike whine) I don’t wanna! The other reason that I don’t want the visit is that I’m going to be trying to hide the pregnancy. Oh, I know I have to tell them at some point before the kid arrives, but not during the first trimester. Maybe not during the second. I’ve heard some people talk about how their kids’ birthparents told crazy lies to hide/disguise subsequent pregnancies, or dropped off the map only to reappear with a baby, or refused to tell their raised kids about the child/ren placed for adoption. I understand that these strategies are inappropriate. But I’ll be darned if there isn’t a part of me that wants to not have any more visits this year, just so that I can hide.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Mothers’ Days

  1. Hi, Susie,

    Just a thought – you could always reschedule the visit for another weekend – one that is somewhat less fraught with meaning.

    Every great once in a while my husband and I have rescheduled something because we too – didn’t wanna! A quick, “Hey, that weekend is turning into a little too much for us and we really want to have the energy to visit with you” and – voila! – life is better.

    Just a thought.

    Best and peace.

  2. Ooh, by the summer you’ll know whether the bean is m or f! Woohoo! I can imagine how you could be dreading the next visit. You should definitely be able to choose when and how to share your news with Ruth and Nora. I wonder how they’ll respond. Hopefully they will congratulate you like they would any pregnant lady when you tell them that you’re expecting — lest there be any uncertainty about whether you guys are parenting, you could tell them y’all have just finished picking out a mobile to hang over the crib.

    I wonder if there’s an opportunity built in to discuss your relationship as a triad and where you would like to see things go once futurekid is born. Have a great weekend Susie!

  3. I’m with Jennifer — call it off. It’s too fraught and you don’t need it. Re-schedule for another weekend and it’ll all be good. Don’t even waste a minute feeling bad about it either!!

  4. I wanted to reschedule, but they’re busy every other weekend for 4 in each direction. =/ I’ll probably just end up wearing baggy clothes and hoping for the best….

  5. More than likely, hiding it isn’t necessary. As adoptive parents, we’re always ready for that bomb to drop. Also, why hide your feelings about the adoption industry’s answer to all those first moms needing a holiday out there? Tell them it’s not a day you celebrate- they’ll probably be relieved to know where you stand. Why spend one moment on regret, frustration or issues of deceit with this new life inside you? Best of luck.

    • Because as soon as they know about it, they’re going to want to talk about it, and I’m not ready to do that with them. Just the fact that you refer to it as a bomb is kind of awful to hear. After talking with Mr. Book and my sister Kate, I think I’m going to cancel the visit and reschedule for June.

    • I don’t think so. They could have changed their stance from the last time this came up (over a year ago), that we’d be having and raising a kid within a couple of years–but they were not happy about the idea. I think that they mostly see the ways in which this will hurt Cricket.

  6. That really makes me sad. I can absolutely see that they’d be worried about his reaction (especially being a full sibling) & yet… yet… I mean, in the best of worlds, for Cricket this means he can have someone with that shared gene pool, & it may be very comforting (complicated sure, but also, you know, many other things too).

    I guess you have to remind yourself — maybe eventually them too — that you didn’t have Cricket *for* their sake, or yours exactly. And somehow you all have a responsibility to do well by him as life — including this bean so many of us are so delighted is soon to be your kid — goes forth. By necessity, for it to work as well as possible for all, this construct of adoption–like all of parenting–should force us to grow our hearts bigger than we thought we possibly could.

  7. Good idea to reschedule! I hadn’t imagined Ruth and Nora reacting in that way to you and Mr. Book having another baby. 😦 I look forward to reading more of your thoughts, and I hope that you feel supported because this pregnancy is a cause for joy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s