I’ve been super cranky about the adoption recently. It’s made me a bit quieter here. I think I mentioned that there was a new plan put into place a few weeks ago: Mr. Book was going to take over scheduling the next visit! I was really excited about not being the one to send the emails and make the plans. And after a week had gone by with nothing doing, I asked my husband about it—I nagged, albeit (I think) a low key kind of nag. Another week went my, and another mild nag from me with no results. So I was not doing anything active toward managing a visit, but I also wasn’t letting go and nothing was getting done. I can’t really blame the Mister; he was having a particularly rough time at work, and he also finds it hard to switch into a mode where he can email Ruth after nine hours spent at Wal-Mart. A couple of days ago, Ruth emailed me to suggest a date for a visit and let me know that after I nagged her (carefully), she ordered a photobook to send. Things are happening, but I also feel like I’m having to push every other adult in the relationship, which I resent—and which must make me seem pretty unpleasant. When I step back, nothing gets done and I can’t actually 100 percent let go. But now I’m at this mental place where, when I first saw the email from Ruth in my inbox, I felt only hostile. Time to change my brain.

I talked to the SW at Catholic Charities about this stuff yesterday, but she didn’t magically solve my problems; instead, she said “Yeah, sounds like you’re stuck in this role. How can you do it without resenting the others involved?” I’m still working on an answer to that question—I don’t resent my Mister, because I can see what he’s going through and know that he’s on my side, but Ruth and Nora. . . . Well. It could be worse, I guess: she asked “Do you resent them for adopting Cricket?” No. Ruth mentioned that they think that could happen now that I’m pregnant with the little bird, but it hasn’t yet rung true for me. If you saw my last roundtable post, you know that there are definitely people I blame (including, always, myself), but not Cricket’s moms. Not that our relationship is such that I could say “No, but I do kind of resent [redacted].” My sister Kate, trying to cheer me up, said “Maybe once you have your baby, you’ll be so busy that Ruth and Nora will have to wait for you for once.” My response: “And then visits will never happen.” I am so positive in my outlook. Here I am, rolling my eyes at myself.

One totally random but probably adoption-related tidbit: all along, I’ve collected baby stuff. I’ve talked about this before, about my hope chest and hoarding and weirdly material view of what I need to parent. But I’ve also tended to go for things that would fit/suit Cricket, and that hasn’t stopped even now that Cricket is twenty months old and I’m pregnant with a technically viable little bird. When I have spare money to blow, I want to get a pair of toddler shoes or a hoodie for a two-year-old. I really expected this to change with the pregnancy, but I can still rationalize the larger stuff—I’m going to have a son or two to raise, and he/they will need shoes all along!—and it’s still what I feel drawn to. Buying clothes for ghost Cricket is one of the weirdest things that I do, and I’m glad that his moms don’t know.

3 thoughts on “Excuses

  1. I collected a few baby things before getting pregnant & we have books from before then, too. Waiting is waiting.

    And having Cricket feel more real in many ways than the little Bird, that actually makes sense, too. You can envision C in shoes. LB, much more abstract visually.

    It sounds to me like you’re working really hard on this stuff & that’s part of preparing for the next. Nothing will be over & easy, but this work, it’s a different kind of nesting.

  2. I’m the same way – I’ve always collected baby stuff for my hypothetical future children, but when I look at baby stuff now I always gravitate toward Roo-sized things. I wonder if I always will.

    • Do you tend to get girly stuff, or neutral stuff? I’m asking because I’ve noticed that I tend to get mostly neutral stuff, but I have pointedly and open-mindedly (rolling my eyes at myself a bit) gotten a couple of pink things. That makes it okay, right?

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