Adoption Roundup

I haven’t been writing about the adoption much, in part because I’m a little distracted—but also because the adoption just feels discouraging recently. But I miss Cricket, and a few things have happened, so I’m going to write about them.


On the last Thursday in October, I got an email from Ruth saying “Well, I guess we’re seeing you guys on Saturday, then?” Mr. Book had emailed them weeks before explaining that we couldn’t do a visit this close to the end of the pregnancy, so sorry, but when you guys cancelled the last visit that meant that we wouldn’t be seeing each other for awhile longer. I’m not sure whether they didn’t get that email, or whether emails from him don’t count as official, but he resent it with a little note and I wrote back to her myself: “Didn’t mean to keep you in suspense! See, Mr. Book sent you an email . . .” and so on. That email from her also detailed the parenting books that they are going to send, so I suppose I was sufficiently polite and tactful to be misunderstood when I was hoping to talk her out of that: oh, well. I haven’t heard from them again, and it’s only been a week and a half, but now I’m faced with the need to send them an email full of questions and a nagging reluctance to actually press the button (it’s already written! For weeks now!). It’s a bit time sensitive, as it is almost entirely questions about how they want this baby thing to work on their end: Do they want us to call them when he’s born? Do they want us to call their adoption agency and have them call? Do they want a birth announcement? And so on. Oh, and does Cricket know that I’m pregnant/a baby is coming/anything? I know that a toddler’s understanding of this sort of thing is pretty limited, but I mean “know” as in, Have they mentioned it to him? Am I allowed to? Clearly this is an email that needs to be sent—I will have to change the wording slightly, as I planned to send it the day I hit full-term and mention that fact as a reason for sending it therein—but I think that my feelings will be hurt if they don’t respond soonish, so I keep sitting on it.


The Mister has said that if they don’t write back by the time we have the baby, we just won’t tell them about the birth—we’re friends on Facebook, so they’ll see it that way unless they’re careful—or unless he’s genuinely apocalyptically pissed and blocks them from seeing those posts. And he’s pretty angry; he was talking the other night about how the “condescending talks about a ‘bigger family’” we were given back in the day might have been something they should have saved until they really knew that they meant it. To be fair, though, I was saying things like “I want to place this child for adoption” at the time and meaning it—things change.


10 thoughts on “Adoption Roundup

  1. This sounds so hard…you guys must miss Cricket so much, and this silence from Ruth comes at such a bad time. And poor Mr. Book’s emails get discounted!

    I’m sure it’ll be hard to put your email out there, not knowing if Ruth will even acknowledge it! I like the description of what you’ve written and the fact that you’re presenting them with options. I know this doesn’t solve anything, but maybe you guys could consider writing in a default option. E.g. “If the little bird arrives before you and Nora have a chance to let us know what you decide, our default option will be to [call you/email you].” In the alternative, if Ruth doesn’t respond to your email, I am also in support of restricting their fb settings if that feels right.

  2. I like what Meredith said about a default option. That wouldn’t have occurred to me and I think that’s so smart. And yes, protect yourself and take care of yourself. I like what she says about that, too.

    I am so excited that the baby is almost here!!

  3. I would go ahead and send the e-mail – time IS critical on your end, and I hope they reply sooner than soonish. The arrival of the little bird is such a wonderful event for you and Mr. Book – whatever happens, I hope Ruth’s responsiveness does nothing to mar your joy.

  4. Smart idea Meredith!

    I too, am really excited for you & I hope that R & N figure out that in the way all gifts involving people are potentially complicated, they still remain gifts: a brotherly sort in this case.

  5. I keep refreshing my feed reader to see whether there is baby news here! So exciting….and I think Sue put it well: I, too, hope that R & N’s (lack of) responsiveness does not mar your joy. Protecting yourself, Mr. Book, and the little bird is so important.

  6. “To be fair, though, I was saying things like “I want to place this child for adoption” at the time and meaning it—things change.”

    A good point. Some things are so out of our experience and so hard, we can’t know what they are really like ahead of time.

  7. I keep coming back to see if there is any news of the little bird 🙂 I’m sorry you are having to deal with the unknown with R&N while you are already anxious and preoccupied! Sending good wishes and thoughts your way.

  8. I also keep checking back for news. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this aggravation while you excitedly anticipate the baby’s arrival. I also like the idea of a fallback/default — that way you can put it out of your mind, and you’ll know what to do without worry when the time comes. I think you should send the message and be done with it. focus on YOU now, and the little bird.

  9. I am so sorry that Crickets aparents aren’t being respectful of you, as then you get angry with them, and so on. Cricket is the one who will end up paying for the parental arguments, though. Please keep that in mind. Remember that it’s about keeping lines open for Cricket. If you have to suck things up, or even better, be more direct: please do. It MATTERS that you’re in his life.

    Hearing about all the adult bickering is very triggering for me, and in time, Cricket will blame both his a’s AND you if you block his a’s because they’re assholes, because that means you’re blocking him out, too. There’s no way around it. Take the high road, and you will have his respect because you put him first and tried your hardest to make HIM a priority.

    Although he’s too young to understand the sibling thing in real terms, it is important for him to know this is his brother. His full brother, no less. Fuck anyone who says any differently. I imagine it will be very difficult for him to understand why he was placed and this son was kept, and it won’t be any easier if the lines of communication are broken.

    I wish you all the best.

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