A Bit More

I should clarify a bit, I think. I had planned all along to write this post or something like it, but didn’t want to add it to my Thanksgiving writing—as I mentioned, I am finding the question of thankfulness for Cricket less than straightforward at the moment. I want to be able to have adoption not be present for some things in my life, and reading Kara’s comment made me realize/remember that that could be seen by Cricket as dismissive or unloving, which I certainly don’t want. On the other hand, I don’t want to end every baby book entry (he hates swaddling! so would I!) with a note about missing Cricket, both because I don’t want to sound like a sad sack and because I don’t want to be in that mental space all the time. I’ll have to ask Cricket and everyone else to please have faith that I am missing him and feeling guilty about him even when I don’t say.

 

I wasn’t personally hurt by Kara: I want to make that clear. In fact, part of the reason I felt bad was imagining myself in her position, and then worrying that I was putting Cricket in that position. My love is far from perfect, but he’s got it all the time, even when I’m gushing over the new baby.

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9 thoughts on “A Bit More

    • It seems to fill him with baby rage. I think it’s the fact that he’s an uncoordinated (for the moment) thumbsucker; he has managed to get the thumb into his mouth just one time, when we were in the ambulance together and he wasn’t even an hour old, but ever since then he’s only occasionally managed a couple of fingers. He sucks them desperately. Of course it’s not until now that I find out my husband was a thumbsucker. . . .

      At any rate, he even dislikes having his arms under a blanket—the blanket sleepers we were given are turning out to be a lifesaver. He needs those arms free, darn it, so he can flail at his face!

  1. there was a lot of sad in that last one, susie. naturally, I think, as you experience the life with joey that you missed with cricket, dealing with your families on top of your own deep complex emotions.

    mostly just wanted to send you all some love. and also tell you how much I love your choice of books for cricket.

    hope you’re all getting some rest and enjoying each other.

  2. It is all very hard, very hard. As an a-mom, I try to get out of adoptionland sometimes, and I find I can’t, always attributing her tears to her feeling abandoned (she’s 2) or when she says “I wantt to go home” when she is downstairs and she means upstairs, I wonder if she really means subconsciously she wants to go be with her first family (she’s 2). I can’t imagione what it feels like to be on your side, bt I know how hard it is to be on this side of parenting too. Sending hugs and acknowledgement.

  3. Thanks, Susie. I can totally get where not every blog post is an appropriate place to mention Cricket. And as a mom, I don’t talk about both my kids all the time, either. It was just the Thanksgiving thing that hurt most, because I so fervently wish my nfamily would love me.

    I am so glad that you took my comments in the spirit I meant them, and that you were willing to answer them. I can imagine it must be horribly difficult for you to live with the loss. I know it’s hard for me.

    Hugs.

  4. There’s always the modified swaddle (I’m terrible at any & all swaddling). Hands are nice.

    Much as I think we desperately want love to be straightforward all of the time, it strikes me how often it isn’t. That doesn’t mean it’s non-existent or lesser, just complicated. Your love for both boys shines through.

  5. Hey Susie! I was travelling yesterday, so I just read the insights and perspectives from yesterday’s comments. It seems like a good dialogue, and I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Like Sarah said, your love for Cricket and Joey shines through!

  6. Susie, your blog is amazing – it continually helps me process our side of the adoption experience. Not that your blog is all about me, but (I hope!) you know what I mean.

    I can only imagine the fine line you are straddling to do right by both your sons. Not missing Cricket enough, vs. missing Cricket too much and impacting Joey’s experience. Hard stuff, that.

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