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Joey is three months old! He’s close to crawling, but there’s a problem—he doesn’t want to crawl. He can scootch along on his stomach, kicking his legs and making a little progress, but what he really likes is to be held up so he can “walk.” He wants to walk, and to skip crawling, but he doesn’t even have kneecaps yet and just can’t walk; we’re trying to compromise. He demands tummy time, he pushes himself forward and yells for a few minutes, and then we “walk” around for awhile. We’re doing this several times a day. He has also, excitingly, started throwing himself sideways sometimes while I’m holding him—he’s never managed to make it more than a few inches sideways, but it’s scary for both of us. I have this sense, though, that I’m going to have plenty of chances to get used to it. He wants mobility so badly, and it’s just not coming together for him yet. I wish that I could do more to help.

I have a confession to make; we’ve been doing straight-up bedsharing since he was about three weeks old. This wasn’t part of the plan, and I resisted it for as long as I could—about three weeks, it turns out—but even with our little in-bed cosleeper, Joey would just howl and howl and refuse to sleep unless he was in someone’s arms. I would wait until he was deeply asleep and then move him to the cosleeper . . . and within an hour, without fail, he would wake up and commence howling. Finally, toward the end of my stay in California, I pushed all the pillows out of the bed, pulled the blanket down to his waist, and slept soundly for the first time in a long time. He spends every night with his feet against my stomach and his chin resting on my breast, and he sleeps for fourteen hours, nursing several times without really waking up. I worry about SIDS—I worry a lot—even though we’re doing bedsharing right (no extra pillows, fan running, no drugs/booze/smoking/sleeping pills). I’m sleeping lightly, the baby is sleeping well, and in a month or so I will worry less, but for right now, it’s working for everything but my peace of mind.

We’ve hit another milestone, although I suppose it’s just a milestone for me—we’re not going to have Irish twins, which I’m glad of. We do want to raise two kids relatively close together, but not that close together; breastfeeding is our birth control at the moment, and while unlikely, it was possible. I honestly don’t have a clear idea of when I’d like to get pregnant again; early in this illness (still hanging on, although mostly dwelling in my chest these days) I felt sick and weak and thought “This is like being pregnant again—wow, I am glad that I am not pregnant again already.”