Last night I put a commenter into “must be approved” status for the first time, after getting my first ever threat on the blog—that was weird, and I expect to end up approving those comments, but it seemed like a good idea. But she asked a question that I’d like to answer:
oh this baby is different because you want him? Really? Really?
It didn’t occur to me that anyone might think this. I can see why it drives many adoptees up the wall to hear that “it wasn’t about you”—but at the same time, I think that it’s true. If Joey had been born first and placed for adoption, I’m certain that I’d currently feel alienated from toddler Joey and over the moon about baby Cricket. What makes the difference isn’t who they are (although of course that will have more of an effect as they get older)—it’s what we have together—or don’t.
I really wanted Cricket, but I thought that since adoption was harder for me personally, it must be the right thing to do. I didn’t think it would be hard for Cricket; I said outright to the agency and his moms that I thought it would be all gain and no loss for him. I’m less ignorant now, and I wish I’d never let him go.