I suppose my most burning question is: do you think you’ll ever not be sad about having placed Cricket?
I ask because, and I hope you’re not offended by this, you (and Mr. Book) seem so sad about it, and that sadness seems so pervasive. Of all the adoption stories I know about/follow, yours strikes me as one where I feel it would be best for everyone if you could get Cricket back.
The whole thing makes ME sad.
I can think of a couple of pretty far-out hypothetical situations that would change our feelings (you know: Mr. Book, Joey, and I are in a terrible plane crash and we’re glad that Cricket was spared via adoption), but short of that? I don’t think so. We really shouldn’t have placed. I spent some time thinking about how Cricket’s feelings might influence ours: If he grows up to be super glad that he was adopted, will we stop being sad about having placed him? But I don’t think so: I can’t imagine that, had we raised him, he would sincerely wish that he had been adopted by another family.
Since coming back to California—back to the house where I lived when I lost Cricket—I’ve been feeling especially sad and angry about the loss: It is really exactly like feeling that my son is missing all the time. But I do think that it would be incredibly traumatic for Cricket to lose his moms, which stops me from straight-up wishing that we could have him back. How scary for him.
I asked Mr. Book this question, and he said: “No. Just as I’ll never stop being happy that I have Joey with me, I’ll never stop being sad that I don’t have Cricket with me. And when we’re hopefully reconciled and have an okay relationship, I’ll still be sad about not getting to raise him.”