Artemis asks:

I suppose my most burning question is: do you think you’ll ever not be sad about having placed Cricket?
I ask because, and I hope you’re not offended by this, you (and Mr. Book) seem so sad about it, and that sadness seems so pervasive. Of all the adoption stories I know about/follow, yours strikes me as one where I feel it would be best for everyone if you could get Cricket back.
The whole thing makes ME sad.

I can think of a couple of pretty far-out hypothetical situations that would change our feelings (you know: Mr. Book, Joey, and I are in a terrible plane crash and we’re glad that Cricket was spared via adoption), but short of that? I don’t think so. We really shouldn’t have placed. I spent some time thinking about how Cricket’s feelings might influence ours: If he grows up to be super glad that he was adopted, will we stop being sad about having placed him? But I don’t think so: I can’t imagine that, had we raised him, he would sincerely wish that he had been adopted by another family.

Since coming back to California—back to the house where I lived when I lost Cricket—I’ve been feeling especially sad and angry about the loss: It is really exactly like feeling that my son is missing all the time. But I do think that it would be incredibly traumatic for Cricket to lose his moms, which stops me from straight-up wishing that we could have him back. How scary for him.

I asked Mr. Book this question, and he said: “No. Just as I’ll never stop being happy that I have Joey with me, I’ll never stop being sad that I don’t have Cricket with me. And when we’re hopefully reconciled and have an okay relationship, I’ll still be sad about not getting to raise him.”

8 thoughts on “Artemis asks:

    • Why? Doesn’t that response pretty much invalidate the notion underlying all adoption–that family bonds are created through the process of caring for and loving a child, not only via biology? I don’t think it takes away from Susie’s sorrow at not having Cricket to say that he is also family with Ruth and Nora, and that his loss of them would be a real one.

  1. I’m sad for all of you. I also made a decision once about a ”surprise” pregnancy that I dearly wish I could take back. We could have made it work. Hindsight can be so cruel, sometimes.

    Do you think you’ll be honest with adult Cricket about how much you regret placing, and your thoughts on Ruth/Nora’s parenting choices?

    And also, you said Ruth responded positively to an email you sent about feeling distant from Cricket and so on, but it sounds like maybe this didn’t last long (mentioning reducing visits etc)…just wondering if anything really ever did change for the better after the email.

  2. I didn’t write that question but I have certainly thought about it many times. I am a birthmother too and (not to discount any other birthparent experiences) one thing I have thought about a lot is that if my daughter’s biolgical father had been the love of my life, or we were married but just too poor or too young or my circumstances were different, I would never have placed either. I’m not saying that it was easy for me to place in any way, but her father walked out on me the day I told him, so I had to basically plan a future for us without him or his family involved at all. That led a lot of my decision-making. I have been curious about your story because you and Mr. Book are of course married and doing well and now parenting Joey. It is as you said “too complicated” for his moms to just “give him back” but I think that this situation especially warrants a lot of work and involvement on their part to understand and raise Cricket with the understanding of who you and Mr. Book are, and what the situation was, and that he has a brother, and birthfamily who loves and cares and treasures him. My daughter doesn’t have any siblings (biological I mean) and will not, so that link is not there. Her father and I honestly never spoke again after he took off at one month pregnant, so there’s no relationship to introduce her to or share with her. But it’s a whole other ballgame with Cricket and it’s soo important for his moms to realize that.

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