I’ve been too angry to blog; that’s the ugly truth of it. I’ve been waiting to hear back about pictures and about the visit, and the longer I wait, the angrier and more certain that they aren’t coming I get. Yes, I know that Ruth has a lot going on right now—at the same time, I know she’s on Facebook often, and I know that it would take maybe ninety seconds to write “Things are nuts right now—can I get back to you next week?” Of course, that would imply that I’d be hearing from her in another week, which is pretty optimistic. I’m fuming, more or less, which is both unattractive and not super useful. I suppose I’ll try again after Easter—we do at some point need to know whether they’re planning to come here this month. And of course that second attempt will be polite and chatty, because they’ve got us over a barrel forever.
See? You don’t want to hear this.
I have started thinking more seriously about circumstances under which I would close the adoption, or mostly close it; I know that there’s no good solution for birth siblings, but if Joey comes to feel jerked around and heartbroken by the inconsistency of contact, I can definitely see myself sending a letter to the effect of: If Cricket wants to get in touch, he should feel free. Otherwise, don’t contact us, and you won’t hear from us. Maybe we’d keep sending Cricket a birthday present? That might be a good idea. I know we’re a ways away from that, but I can see it from where we’re standing. On the other hand, it’s hard to predict how Joey and the Possum will feel about the relationship; I realize that when I think ahead to it, I’m thinking of our relationship to Cricket, or children with deadbeat dads whose mothers I know. Not the same thing at all, for sure.
It’s just so weird to have this one part of my life that’s crappy all the time, no matter what else is going on. I’m looking at shorts for Joey online and really officially waddling now, and things are pretty good—oh, except for this one thing that keeps me up at night that probably won’t ever get much better. Right.
Anyway. This carping seems to be all that I have for the blog right now, so I’ll try again later, when perhaps I have news or a little sunshine.