My writing about adoption may have been unusually stilted recently; I’m going to just talk about what’s going on here, and maybe that will shed some light on the reasons why.
My Omi, my mother’s mother, died a couple of weeks ago. She was old and sick and, in my mom’s words, “mean as a snake,” so it’s less sad that she’s gone and more sad what her life was. My mom and her sister are cleaning out her hoarder house a little at a time, and I think all her kids are having a hard time finding a way to grieve. My father broke his hip a week ago, and yesterday went to the ER to find that he has a blood clot in his leg—apparently this isn’t the really bad kind, but he’s already on blood thinners (he has a history of blot clots), so why is he developing any sort of blood clots? He’s trapped in the house and in a lot of pain, although the outpouring of love and concern from everyone who knows him has been pretty amazing—and a surreal contrast to the reactions of everyone who knew her to my Omi’s death.
Mr. Book is working, and while that’s a good thing (we can buy Christmas gifts! and diapers!), Joey is not reacting well to having his dad gone much of the time, and I’m having a harder time, especially in the evenings. I can’t put Joey to bed without getting Kit to a calm and sleepy place, and I can’t get Kit to bed if Joey is out of bed; if I try to nurse Kit to a sleepy amiability before putting Joey to bed, Joey climbs all over me and screams. If I don’t, and just take Kit with us while I put Joey to bed, both kids complain loudly. If I hold Kit, Joey grabs my legs and wails. If I feed Kit, Joey wants to nurse/eat baby food. If I have to set Joey down for any Kit-related reason, odds are good that Joey is going to scream until he vomits . . . and then keep screaming. I know that this first year is just going to be hard, and we’re all somewhat sick, but I feel like Joey is pushing me right to the limit most days. All week I’ve had a pretty bad headache, and I think it’s about half illness and half stress. Joey is also sick, snotty and cranky and having terrible diarrhea, and things might be better when he’s healed up. But right now I’m just gritting my teeth and trying to schedule an outing for just the two of us so that we can have some time together when he’s not just trying to make me drop the baby.
And some of it is about adoption. I think I’ll try to post about that separately, because I’m angry and less sure of myself at the same time; I have strong feelings that I’m very aware could be unfair.