Downy Clowny

I’m not doing super well. I’m pretty depressed, and have enough experience with depression to be able to run down a mental checklist and find it . . . depressing: trouble getting to sleep, crying a lot, feeling empty and exhausted, having a hard time enjoying things I like, and on and on. I often have a darker mental space in the winter, and my husband is far away, and I’ve been having to focus on a lot on my son’s special needs; this isn’t, like, inexplicable. But it doesn’t feel like there’s anything to do about it, really. I go to the movies on Sunday afternoons sometimes, on my time away, and I cry through all the previews: dramatic previews, comedic previews, previews full of smashy robots. I have new, depressed habits.

But my family has noticed, and they worry about me. My parents have therefore said that they will watch the boys for a week, and they bought me a plane ticket, and I’m going to see my sweetheart on December 13. I am incredibly anxious about the trip—I have never travelled away from my boys before. But my parents are close to the kids, and Joey will have been in school for two weeks at that point and will hopefully have settled in somewhat. And I will leave a crazily detailed care plan for both of the little noodles. I sort of get that this is a good idea, and I really like the idea of seeing Mr. Book, but I can’t really focus on anything other than the possibility that the boys will never forgive me.

6 thoughts on “Downy Clowny

  1. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now and I’m sorry that the joy of the trip feels overshadowed by your worries about the boys. They will be ok — I promise. And if you are able to come back refreshed and feeling better, they will be MORE than ok. Taking time for yourself and your marriage is very good parenting and your lucky boys are being raised by that village we go on and on about (but rarely get to experience).

  2. Hang in there. I struggle with depression too and I know those feelings well. I hope that the trip helps you to recharge and reconnect.

  3. I too relate to the depression issue. Go see Mr. Book. Recharge your battery. Your children will never remember. And when you get back your mother will tell you how amazing you are for how you handle your children on your own. 🙂

  4. Every time I’ve left my kids, I’ve been sure they would hate me when I got back, but actually they are usually too busy enjoying grandparent time to have more than occasional moments of missing us. Go – take the time for yourself – see your sweetie and recharge your batteries, and you’ll come back a better mom for it. Single parenting is hard; single parenting with depression is uber hard.

  5. :::Hug::: I’m so sorry about how hard this is. I feel moved by the terrific, infinite love you show your boys. I’m so happy that you get to be with the Mister.

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