Looking at a Calendar and a Map

I’ve been in a blue mood for a while now. Some of it, I think, is toddler stuff; I am mostly happy with the way that I am parenting Kit, and I’m able to stay gentle and calm. But it wears on a body to have someone screaming in her face so often, and with such crazy demands. He is incredibly charming, and funny, and most of the hours in the day are good—sure, he demands “tummy bears” (gummy bears) for breakfast (unsuccessfully), and refuses to eat supper under any circumstances, but he’s working on that autonomy thing. I have a harder time accepting that hitting me is part of his process, and he is having a hard time accepting that putting him in time out for hitting is going to be part of mine. But we’re working it out.

Mister Book is making one last attempt to get a transfer out to California—if it is unsuccessful, we Books will be relocating to the Midwest at the end of July. When I think about the move, I get panicky and overwhelmed pretty quickly, but I am looking forward to the part where I get to live with my husband again. And having a coparent present would be pretty great; I suspect that I would be less ground down by the toddler stuff if I could occasionally pass said toddler off to my partner. But packing everything up and then dragging two small boys across the country . . . thinking about it makes me just want to lie facedown on the ground. We’ll manage, I know. Baby steps. And even for the move, we are not alone; Mister Book probably won’t be able to come out to help us move, but he can get things ready on that end, and my parents will I’m sure be eager to help us get out of their house (in a loving and positive way, but, well—you know).

I neither dread nor look forward to being back in the Midwest; I started dying my hair an electric red recently, and I guess I’ll probably stop doing that as moving day approaches. I’m going to be weird enough, as the liberal vegetarian lady with the odd sense of humor—I don’t want to make it any harder on the boys than it needs to be to make friends and get along. I worry the most about Joey, and don’t look forward to fighting with a school district about the services to which he is entitled, but I know that will be part of our process. Joey has been so sweet and happy these last couple of months; he’s the reason we’re still in California, of course, but we will make things work wherever we go.

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